FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
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I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
no refunds
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Do not levitate over flowers
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee