Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
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*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Not😆🤣
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
WHY would you be happy about this?
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*