Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
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Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Rt to bother an English speaker
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.