I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
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Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
blocked.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.