*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
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King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*