My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
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40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
When ur friends with white people
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it