I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
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I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”