I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
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Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do