I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
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6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.