Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
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There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
welp
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
😩😩😩
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.