We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
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[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
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If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.