a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
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I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
twitter users today:
Harsh but fair
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper