Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
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Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.