Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
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Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
channeling her this year
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket