i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
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Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.