Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
You Might Also Like
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big