Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
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If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy