If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
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being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I think they could have phrased this better
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader: