Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
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I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
a public service announcement
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Lmao the reply
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.