when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
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I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes