Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
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Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Bros before Ohioes
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Oh yeah that’s it
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.