A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
You Might Also Like
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
A dead goose is called a ghoost
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Netflix and scream at our children?!
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas