ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
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Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.