Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
You Might Also Like
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Nice try Hitler
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?