ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
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Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Thursday
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.