As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
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I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
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My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA