I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
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GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I