Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
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*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.