It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
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I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese