The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
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I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
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