THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
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mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.