the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
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The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Mission: Impossible