*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
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Worst Native American name ever.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
getting old is fun
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
craving $300 all of a sudden
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo