🤣
You Might Also Like
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.