I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
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A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.