Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
You Might Also Like
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos