DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
You Might Also Like
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I ate everything, including the H.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*