Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
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Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic