wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
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Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Bit chilly again tonight.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.