I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
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There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER