Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
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[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Pretty certain I can more drunk
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR