[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
You Might Also Like
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement