cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
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Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this