Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
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The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”