In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
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If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Eat…
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?