I beg your pardon?
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Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE