Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
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I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that