[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
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Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
so this horse walks into a bar
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.