I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
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I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
sry
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife