Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
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Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things